jobs, life, and starting over

A wise sixth grader made a comment to me that revealed more insight than I've heard in a while. "I don't get how there are separate categories for 'school' and 'break'...it's all just life." It is easy to put things in separate categories- work, play, school, job, family, friends, mental health, physical health. I for one play at work quite often..."play therapy" or "building rapport" as my progress notes would say. My job is more of a metaphorical classroom than the majority of lecture halls I spaced out in. I can't decide if yoga is more of a workout or a therapy session to me. We separate things to simplify them and because our mind functions better with the aid of schemas.

Some of my best life lessons and reminders have come from unexpected places. It is odd to think that just as I have grown to love this job and feel like I am making a difference, the year is winding down and it's very likely that I will take another path. In a way I feel like I am breaking hearts and acting as just another disappointing adult they grew to trust that has left them. I have tried to teach my kids that they deserve unconditional love. I want them to make good choices but it's important that they know I will advocate for them even if they make choices to spray breath spray in a boys eyes or curse out a teacher. I do not think that one bad decision or even a pattern of destructive behavior is enough to brand a middle schooler as "high risk". I have found these kids to be incredibly impressionable and perceptive and they will only strive to be as good as the adults around them expect them to be. In many cases those expectations don't exist at home so it is up to us to believe. Another sixth grade boy was eating lunch in my room with a couple of kids already identified as delinquents within the system and commented, "I am so glad to finally be somewhere that I'm not hated" Sometimes in childhood and adulthood the secret to helping someone may really be just that simple.

I have a full caseload now and an even greater unofficial caseload. At one point they had a ton of trouble getting enough qualified kids signed up to even justify the service. My favorite way to reach the kids that need to be reached is to pull them out of in school suspension. One girl in particular walked around outside with me to get out of detention and the next day was in my office telling me about her mothers cocaine addiction and her father's recent suicide attempt. If schools are a microcosm of society then punishing kids for acting out as a result of their life problems is doing no more to rehabilitate them into society than prisons who lock up adults who would be served better in other environments.

The moments where I have felt most helpful never come when I expect them to. If I plan an "intervention" it almost inevitably backfires like the time when I nearly induced a panic attack by trying to lead a girl through a guided relaxation. oops. There was a time when a spontaneous conversation about emotionally abusive relationships and an assessment from a website I had just googled led several 7th grade girls to reconsider their relationships. A popular and bubbly girl that I got to know while coaching volleyball approached me one day to discuss her self mutilation habits.

I have laughed over this job. I have cried over this job. I have realized that it is not separate from life and it is not a category all of its own. I have bonded with people. Not kids, but people who happen to be in an extremely odd life phase and I have tried to tell them that it's ok to fuck up and it is ok to cry about life and it's never too late to start from scratch. I should know.

Holy Backbend...the home stretch

As my official calendar is at home I'm not entirely sure what number class I'm on...but I'm pretty sure it's either 94 or 95. Either way, I'm gonna make it!! Strangely enough, the end of this challenge isn't that important to me, mainly because daily practice is such a habit now that I don't really think much will change when I officially cross into triple digits. Last week was a bit of a challenge as I was out of town one day and well, out to dinner one day (can't miss out on restaurant week, right?) so I had to do doubles twice this weekend to stay on track. It was also a stressful week for a variety of reasons and I just remember feeling this overwhelming sense of peace and freedom during the savasanas in my wednesday class that was remarkable. The 4:30/6:30 double on Friday was a challenge. I may have backed out on the 6:30 class if I had a choice, but seeing as my ride wasn't coming till 8 I really didn't , and I'm glad. It's always humbling to have classes where I struggle and have to sit out a pose or two. The second class really caught up with me around the end of the spine strengthening series. Seriously though...I sweat more during the second class than the first. There was pretty much a stream of sweat dripping from my elbows by the end of eagle pose...oh well, that's what I signed up for!

Saturday morning was a STIFF practice for me after the challenging day on Friday but I was glad to fit one in because I knew this week would be BUSY with volleyball starting after school. It was entertaining talking to an older woman about yoga at a baby shower I went to on Saturday, popular consensus says that Bikram is CRAZY. Sunday was choc-full of yoga because our studio was hosting Esak Garcia, a previous world asana champion, for a posture clinic and class. I can't say enough kind words about this man and his expertise. It was a great experience for me as I'm really getting into this yoga but have had very little education/corrective instruction. What impressed me most about him was that he was humble and down to earth despite being one of the best yogis alive. Lets see...as for specifics that I took away from the clinic- he really emphasized the importance of 80/20 breathing which I have never really payed attention to, engaging abdomen to provide resistance during pranyama, engaging certain leg/foot muscles in standing head to knee and chin position in standing bow and triangle. He would basically talk about a posture then get us all to do it and pick out a few people to correct as examples.
To me, his most interesting point was upper thorastic backbending as opposed to only focusing on your lumbar spine. He taught us about engaging rhomboid muscles and really focusing on driving our arms backwards before our lower spine. He also had dry erase markers and pointed things out on pictures/drew diagrams on the mirrors to help illustrate.

Needless to say, his class was PACKED and humid to the max. All day, there were tons of teachers from the Cville studio obviously, but also from Richmond and Lynchburg. They were amazing and specifically one male/female duo from Richmond had AMAZING practices and he cited them as examples when they were going beyond the basic beginner postures in class. I read online (yogadork....busteddd) that the male recently placed first in VA for the asana competition and the female placed 4th. So inspirational! Despite the abnormal heat/classroom conditions it went by really quickly and his class was excellent. Specifically I liked how he encouraged people to stay in certain balancing poses till they fell out if they were having a good set as opposed to a set end point for everyone. Sometimes it's frustrating to hit your stride right as it's time to change.

The day was inspiring enough that it helped me wake up at 530am to make it to the 615 class before work this morning. It was a really relaxed class and once I got there I really enjoyed it. I was stiff/sore at the beginning of class but completely comfortable by the end. As opposed to prying my eyes open at work on a monday morning, I was bouncing around the hallways when I first got here. Less than a week to go! I'll post again to reflect on some of the changes and HOPEFULLY get my camera back in time to take some "after" posture pics to post the differences.

2012: a year full of yoga!

Yesterday was class number 75! The home stretch is approaching and physically I feel better than ever :-). I can see why 60 day challenges are popular...because right around the 60 day mark my practice took a huge jump! Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was on vacation so I was getting enough sleep and could focus more on my body and my yoga. There was a stretch where I breezed through practice to the point where I wanted to stay for doubles if possible pretty consistently. Making it through my first back to back double without sitting out for a single set of a posture was an accomplishment to me. I particularly feel that I've made progress with some of the tougher balancing poses and floor bow but parts of the spine strengthening series have been coming along at a much slower rate.

Practicing on New Year's eve with my brother and his girlfriend was really special. I wanted to have a calm evening and start 2012 in a healthier way than I've begun the last...5 years? so I planned on going and Kevin and Lauryn decided to come along! It was Kevin's first Bikram class and Lauryn has practiced a few times before in addition to tons of hot yoga. We goofed around taking pictures of us in our yoga gear (Kevin sported hawaian swim trunks and a pink towel) and joked about how we would need to keep from laughing during class because of his facial expressions. Anyways, they both did GREAT! Lauryn said it was the best Bikram class that she's had and was really interested to sample the freshly made juices that our teacher provided after class. Kevin was a total champion and didn't sit out for a single posture which is an impressive feat for any first timer. He also managed to get pretty deep into some of the poses, especially fixed firm! During standing head to knee pose the teacher called me up to the front of the room to demonstrate proper/improper form and i managed not to fall on my face! It was a little nervewracking but flattering to be called out. I also got to sport my new Zebra print shatki shorts :-)

Just as I thought I was getting invincible...the studio started to BOOM in the new year's resolution rush. Lately classes have been ridiculously packed. It's a good challenge, as the heat and humidity are raised naturally and with more bodies in the room your sweat doesn't evaporate as easily. As frustrating as it can be to practice with my mat 6 inches from tighty whitey Tim, flatulant Frank and have Six pack sorority girl position her mat right in front of you, having a packed class is good for providing group energy and more intense conditions. The advanced class however was NOT crowded as it consisted of me and the teacher. It was a good workout and I practiced the full spine strengthening series for the first time. I learned how to go into full camel and have tried it (somewhat successfully but completely awkwardly) in a few classes since then. Backbends have been the scariest part of class for me and are definitely something I need to improve if I do ever want to compete.

I still enjoy going everyday and it hasn't gotten old. I've enjoyed getting to know some of the teachers and students there better. It's great to be surrounded by such strong and positive people working proactively to make changes in their lives. I haven't really lost more weight beyond the initial 8-10. My clothes are significantly looser and I'm seeing more definition in my arms, legs and midsection so I know I'm headed in the right direction. 25 more to go (plus one for good luck :-)

Class #58!

I'm over half way there! It hardly seems like it's been 60 days since I've started this challenge...time has flown by. my 50th class was on a relaxing Saturday afternoon and I was excited the entire time! When I was reading about the 100 day challenge and considering doing it, I heard that days 1-30 were the hardest physically and 30-60 were the toughest mentally and emotionally. I've heard that after your body is accustomed to a daily practice, the emotional and mental cleansing process begins. Many people reported feeling intense emotions throughout class during this period on a regular basis. More or less my practice has been stable and emotion free- I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I have always been someone to bury emotions deep within so maybe they'll take a little more time to shake free.

I love practicing bikram during the winter time, and especially the holiday season. There is something so special about waking up on a cold winter day when you don't have work/school and knowing that your only plan for the day is to go to yoga. My family basically all got me gifts related to yoga which I LOVE! I'm wearing my lululemon jacket right now as I sip on my new obsession- kombucha. I also got a pair of zebra print sidestring shatki shorts, mat strap, yoga bag, and Bikram's book! The book has been a pretty interesting read and is making me understand a lot more about Bikram as a person and where his outlook stems from. He started practicing as a very young boy in what sounds like a live in school/temple where they studied academics, philosophy, asanas, and did a lot of hard work for their 'guru'. Bikram's mantra that was given to him is "Serve your Self: you are here to give, not to receive". Self with a capital S refers to his karma yoga- ie his greater purpose in life. I wish I had a guru to give me a mantra but I may try to pick one for the upcoming year!

The only bad side effect of this challenge so far is that I've gotten a skin fungus called ringworm. Yuuuuup, pretty damn disgusting. There is one bad splotch on my left calf and a couple of smaller ones on my arms. Mom and I had to laugh when reading the wiki page about it because its causes pretty much exactly described the conditions of a bikram room- hot, wet, humid places with dirty carpets/mats. Hopefully the cream I got will cure it pretty soon, but it's certainly not stopping me!

Today my sister in-law came with me to not only her first bikram class, but her first yoga class ever. She stuck it out and had a great attitude, but I don't think she'll be rushing to come back anytime soon. Coming with a first timer is always a fun experience and really puts how far I've come with my practice into perspective. I have ALOT more improvements to make, but when I think back to how much I struggled during my first class i feel pretty accomplished for sticking with it so long. Now if only I could apply those gains to other areas of my life...

Through class 46

There are only 13 days till Christmas?! Time has certainly been flying by but I have also had a lot of time to reflect on the past few years of my life. I got a few (erm, 5) classes behind due to going out of town to visit friends for a few weekends in a row which turned out to be a bit of a setback in multiple ways. Already being almost 30 days in though, I wasn't going to throw in the very sweaty towel, and now I've caught up to only being 2 classes behind! In reality, the timing of this challenge couldn't be better. It is helping me remain calm while I'm riding out a low point in life that has already started to bring positive change.

About those pesky doubles...I had a ridiculously frustrating experience when TRYING to do a double a few weeks back. It was a sunday and I had already practiced at 9:45 and was geared up and in the car headed to the 4:30 class. I knew it was a possibility that the SARA phone would ring, but I didn't expect it to be one of the most awkward 30 minute phone calls ever. Needless to say I tried to help my incestuous and difficult to understand caller instead of adding another number to my yoga tally. I also did a back to back double since the last time I wrote on a Thursday night. The first class went well enough so I decided to suck it up and stay for the 6:30. As luck would have it, the guy next to me was also doing a double so I felt some solidarity there. I actually think I prefer to do back to back doubles as your body doesn't really have to spend energy cooling down then warming back up. It's like a really long savasana between two very long sets of yoga. I felt extremely bendy during the first part of class and had enough energy right up until the last 15 minutes or so where I fell flat. I realized that I hadn't really eaten anything since my afternoon snack of almonds...5 hours earlier so that probably had something to do with it.

I did another double last Wednesday when I stayed after the 6:30 class for the advanced class. I was unsure if I was going to make it for a while because I was sweating buckets and feeling pushed to my limits during the first class. BUT I was fully prepared this time and had coconut water and an apple so I cooled off and got energized very quickly. Today there were a total of 5 of us- The teacher, me and three other women. It was the most crowded advanced class I had been to! The sun salutation series was exhausting as usual but I did well on the lotus series and the other hip stretching poses. The teacher mentioned that he thought I had what it took to compete in the Bishnu Ghosh Cup! This is an annual yoga competition where you do routines that last 3 minutes and include 5 poses from the beginning series and 2 from the advanced. He said that I would need to work on my back bends for floor bow, but otherwise I was in good shape. WOW! What a compliment! I would definitely have a long way to go but given my competitive nature it's something to keep in mind when I need extra motivation.

During this challenge I have decided that I want to go to bikram yoga teacher training. I have dreamed about it since spring of 09, read BYTT blogs and had the idea bouncing around my head on a more regular basis. The funny thing is, I thought that I would have to convince my family that it was a good choice for me and they were the ones who ended up making it obvious to me. My uncle has thought it was a cool idea from the beginning- to make money doing something you like is a treasure that few people have. My parents have seen my emotions positively correlate with the amount of this yoga that I do and truly are proud of me for committing myself to something I love. My dad finally said to me on the way to yoga this past weekend- Kathleen...I think you need to do this training. He had even looked into it on the website and offered to help make me a budget to save the money I need! It is feasible that I can save enough money by next fall!!

I look forward to yoga every day...and I don't think I will even want to lessen the amount that I go when I am done with my challenge. (Wellll maybe one day off a week...) I feel my upper back crackling and aligning, both legs firmly locked in standing head to knee, and only my belly button touching the floor in bow pose. My arms are starting to look toned and my work clothes are fitting more loosely. I feel my mind clearing and my path unfolding.

17-21...Several doubles are in my future...

Last Wednesday night (17) was another steamy-hot class that was a rough one for me as I wasn't entirely recovered from my double on Tuesday. Typically after I have a terrible class one day I tend to bounce back and have a great class the following day, but it didn't work out like that Wed. Also, I can't remember if it was during Wednesday or Thursday's class, but I tweaked a really weird muscle in my back that's still bothering me. I think I was going too deeply into half-moon pose before I was entirely warmed up, but I started feeling this kind of sharp pain underneath the right side of my rib cage in my back. It's an odd sensation and occasionally bothers me slightly inside/outside of class but it always feels better after class. It's the first time I've really had anything happen to me physically in a negative way from Bikram yoga but I don't think I'm agitating it worse by sticking with it and if anything it's improving. It's a definite reminder that I really have to stay in tune with the messages my body is sending though.

Friday my practice felt back to normal as far as not being bothered by the heat and I actually had a really great and flexible class. I got compliments in a few postures that I haven't been called out in before like cobra and balancing stick. I got a bit off track this weekend and missed TWO days of class because I went to DC to visit my best friend. It was a great trip and a much needed mental break from the work week, but nonetheless I am going to have to double up two days in the coming week or so to make up for it. Monday's class was a bit of a de-tox from the weekend but my body was craving it so badly after a mere two day break. It was an extremely crowded class (as mondays tend to be...I'm not the only one who has to get back on track after the weekend evidently) so I definitely sweat plenty of my weekend sins out. They say that after camel pose (the deepest backbend in the series) people feel an intense variety of emotions. Monday I definitely felt ANGRY afterwards and felt like the teacher was nonstop blabbering "relaxing" yoga talk and holding us in postures and savasanas longer than necessary.

Yesterday I was having a pretty good class but I sort of ran out of steam by the end and the last 20 minutes or so of class were a struggle. After camel pose I felt this odd anxious energy pulsing through me to the point that it was even making me twitch a little bit. The highlight of class for me was probably feeling/seeing how much higher I could lift my legs and hips during floor bow pose. Since the spine strengthening series is definitely my weakest series in class, any progress is a huge morale boost and lets me know I'm making progress. 21 classes down and only...80 more to go! I'm planning on doubling up on thursday and then hopefully again one day on the weekend. If that doesn't work then I have a few days off for Thanksgiving so I can definitely catch up by then!

Days 12-16; The Tuesday Curse Continues

After a day of recuperating from a double on Wednesday including the advanced class, I was eager to get back in the hot room on Friday. It was not a really noteworthy class in any way, but nonetheless it was a good way to round out the week. I did feel that the front sides of my hips felt like they had opened up a bit from the advanced class and I was able to get a little deeper in both standing bow and floor bow. Saturday's noon class was number 13 and it was a relatively cool and calm class. I guess when I'm used to practicing at 6:30 on weekdays anything else seems less crowded by comparison. Except that 9:45 classes on Sunday are usually wicked crowded... evidently Bikram yogis are not a church going crowd.

I didn't go to class on Sunday as I had been out with friends on Saturday, and a good friend was only in town for the day on Sunday. I figured that with my relaxed work schedule for Monday and Tuesday would allow time for a double so I wasn't too concerned. I went to a 4:30 class on Monday and I was in the zone and felt amazing. I had also bought a few huge cartons of Zico coconut water at Whole Foods over the weekend that were $3 each (as compared to the tiny cartons of an inferior brand of coconut water that they sell at the studio for $3.50) and that has been a good after class treat. I was in a state of total euphoria as I left, and couldn't help but think how lucky I am that I stumbled upon a habit that I enjoy so much and keeps me healthy.

Today, Tuesday the 8th, I had off from work for election day so I decided to make up for my slacking Sunday and rock out a double. More like, rock out the first class and barely survive the second class. I really enjoyed practicing at 9:45! There was more of an older crowd with a calm energy as opposed to the energetic young professionals/ college students that tend to frequent the later classes. Plus, it was taught by my favorite teacher who has a contagious positive vibe. After showering, eating a healthy lunch, finishing my paperwork, hydrating a lot, and voting I thought I was ready for class again at 4:30. It was one of those sweltering hot classes that had me drenched in sweat by the second posture. I felt extremely flexible at first so I went really deep into the postures. I'm proud of how my body held out during the standing series, but after savasana I my body decided that it had enough yoga for the day. I kept control of my breathing but fell under the same Tuesday curse of overheating to the point where I lost feeling in my finger tips and toes, so I took it easy and only did selected postures.

As always, I felt amazing after class even if it was a challenging experience. So far I have really enjoyed the motivation that a 101 day challenge has given me. They say that the first 30 days of a challenge are all about physically adjusting to the regular yoga and the next 30 are about mental adjustment. I can feel parts of my spine tweaking and moving around, so hopefully that's realigning things as they should be. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a pretty dull ache in my lower back. My ankles have been cracking nonstop and I have had a little bit of odd soreness in my wrists and elbows. As they say with Bikram yoga, you just have to "trust the process". So far it seems to be working out. I've lost 5.5 lbs already without changing my diet at all, I've had absolutely no trouble falling asleep, and I actually feel more energized throughout the day. Can't wait to see what the next 85 days bring!